Following a first place finish in race 2, KASSERI was
crowned the first Llama World Champion. Our camelid camera captured Kasseri being awarded first place honors by Jr.Vet. Congratulations to Boatkitten
and RX4FlaFun, and NO, you get an 8x10, but the llama trophies stay at
Farm X.
As always, it was not a race without excitement and controversy. As
many of you will remember SPEEDBUMP was jailed after starting a melee
in the drivers meeting during race 1. It has come to our attention
that SPEEDBUMP is no longer with us, and his demise was recorded by
GOBB24...his account of SB's activities after his release follow:
(this was a contest entry, for which GOBB received an 8x10 of Speedbump,
autographed by SB and JrVet.. finally)
"the real deal, as quoted by GOBB, in the style of John Krouse"
It was a hot and steamy day, the sea was ANGRY I say, it was frothing
the froth of a thousand angry drunk pirates. The beasts roared out
of the protected bay, with no thought of fear, with no pity for the
weak (speedbump). All was lost as the lowly woolly beast (speedbump)
was pitched about like a snickers on a waterbed during the mating ritual
of two wildebeasts, as the sea churned. The Alpaca came quick, like
a cat, only faster, and with no hesitation pierced the rear flesh of
the helpless sheep (speedbump) rendering it shark bait. That about
sums it up....no more speedbump...
We at SLOW are in awe of this reporting. GOBB24 is a credit to public
education in Texas. Speedbump has not been heard from since, and the
first race of the 1999 season will be the first annual SPEEDBUMP Memorial
Race.
Second place in race 2 went to Eric Engler's QuadraHydroLlama (formerly
Llamotion). As Llamotion was involved in the drivers meeting incident in race 1,
he came back well in race 2, but well out of championship standings.
Finishing 3rd in race 2 was none other than MoonPie, the clueless
AOF/PropNut entry congrats to MoonPie for finding his way around the course again. His
third place finish, combined with a win in race 1, gives Moon a solid
second in the Worlds. An 8x10 is awarded to the owners also. Nix on
the trophy. Rumor has it that MoonPie will race exclusively for AOF in the 99-2000
season.
Third Place in the Worlds went to GURDIE, Billy Badarse's trailer
trash llama. Amazing. If we ever find out where Billy has moved his
trailer, we will send him a third place 8x10 of GURDIE.
Recovering well from race 1 drivers meeting injuries were Kent P's
Llamalliner and LAM700x's Llamabout. Running a new TURBINE llama setup,
the former rivals teamed up and left the competition gagging on JP4
fumes upon the start of the race. Unfortunately, they never attempted
(or were able) to make the first turn, and have not been seen since.
Rumor has it they are currently trying to set a round the world record.
Stay tuned for details.
Another non finisher was FLAMENCO, the H82LUZ1 entry. According to
the web...@raceoffshore.com,.......
Flamenco was caught several times at "funhome's" funeral
home, drinking bottles of formaldehyde....evidently having a severe
psychological effect on Flamenco, altering his personality for the
worse. He is now even more out of control, and is going by the name
Llamarocious.
SLOW has followed up on this story, and found that following a wild
rampage in Biloxi, Llamarocious stole a relatively unknown racers' boat and changed the
name of the boat to reflect that of a small, smelly ruminant. A SLOW
photographer caught him driving off in his stolen boat...As this was
the ride for the record setting Rabies Vac, RVac was unable to compete
in race 2. Will Flamenco/Llamarocious be back? Will Official Inspector
A. Corn allow him to race again? Scary stuff eh?
In another bizarre turn of events, the Texas llama WeenieHuffer (jailed
after a brawl with Irish O'Llamy) held a press conference
upon his release and announced that he would no longer answer to the
name "WeenieHuffer".
The "Llama Formerly Known As WeenieHuffer" now
has adopted a symbol for his name.
 has
not announced his intentions for 1999.
Rumor has it that he has written a hit song, "Ode To Castor Oil"....
Still in jail are Dean Wilson's Rebellama, Mike C's Scarallama,
and Mike Lee's Bad Bertha. Evidently they are unable
to make bail. Anybody wishing to make donations on their behalf can send
checks, cash or beer to: Free The Llamas, 104 Riverbend Dr, Clayton, NC 27520.
Holy Bull, the illegal racing alpaca did make bail, and
has not been seen since. It is doubtful he will return after seeing
what happend to Speedbump.
Russ' Bananallama (left), who did not finish Race One due to a collision,
has been suspended. (for an unrelated incident) Hopefully Russ can
pay the fine on Llamafeeder's next trip to FL.
Alpo (shown here sporting a new uniform) did not make the final race
either. He was too busy trying to keep everybody in line. Hopefully
he will be back in the 1999-2000 season.
Aussyllama, who placed well in Race 1, sat out Race 2 to be
with none other than Mr. Offshore's BUCKY. After saving the
day in Biloxi flying hurricane watch and directing rescue efforts after
crashes, Bucky disappeared. He was found imprisoned in Western North
Carolina, and was bailed out by official inspector A.Corn!
Yay for Bucky and A.Corn! Rumor has it that the "Racing Times" is
interested in Aussyllama. Stay tuned.....
A new entry, KRRAllama finished well in fourth. The lithium is working
and KRR plans to compete in the upcoming season.
NEWS FLASH from the Hydroracer camp.....
Steve... |
LLAMAS BEING REPLACED BY ECHIDNA
hydrora...@aol.com (HYDRORACER) wrote: It's time to level the playing
field. To many people have illegal Llamas or lame Llamas, or just damm
ugly Llamas. I know for a fact they aren't good to eat, tastes like
Vicuna. I think enough time has gone to these ugly, lame, illegal Llamas
and we need a new class! So I propose the new racing class is Echidna!
Built for speed, low slung, needle nose ( to get in places were it
don't belong), no teeth ( like alot of our rules) the perfect race
machine! I will call mine Steve.
Gary Solomons, the Official President of the SLOW Fan Club, says NO
TO ECHIDNA!
A. Corns decision is pending.
Harry L's llama Aronow finished mid pack again, but Harry
is actively searching for the perfect boat. We expect to see him back
next season.
Ryan B's Kinetillama (which caused an accident in the
previous race) was last seen in a brawl with Team CoolWhip's Goodfellama,
Ben Curtis'
Ellimillama, and Ric's Ugglamy..
(the llama with the illegal nitrous tank). we expect them all back
in the coming season, but they may have to pay a fine for behavior unbecoming to SLOW members. (what ever that
is) A. Corn's decision is pending.
| and finally..........Geezer is still Geezer................ |
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| |
Some newcomers for the 1999-2000 season................
| Tunnellama, the
GTX4ME Entry... Evidently has no clue about real racing (he's in
a tunnel) but has game. Wrote a heck of a song too.
|
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Llamamiget (left) standing next to an unknown crew member, is a short yet vicious
llama. His teammate HYDROC139 says that he is known for ankle biting during competition.
Twiga (right) ...yeah we know....but it looks sort of like a llama,
and KIPEPEO took the SLOW banner to the top of Kilimanjaro so A.
Corn says they are in) see KILI expedition.
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